"Care" is a Four-letter Word

Is that why it's hard to do?

There is a great deal of frustration in so many of the spaces I reside in now. I’m not suggesting this is all my frustration either. Nor am I trying to say that I miss the “good ol’ days” when things weren’t difficult and life was “easy.” Certainly, there have been times in my life when I haven’t felt quite so overwhelmed or overcome or over…something. And I expect, if I can keep some sort of balance in my life, there will be more times where the irritations are manageable and the joys are apparent.

But it can often feel like balance is unattainable. Especially when so many things you care about feel like they’re falling apart. Or, they are being taken apart by others. Or, maybe I feel like I have broken them myself - either by accident or on purpose.

I am fairly certain that there are many other people who can relate to these feelings. If you do feel what I am saying, it is possible you may be envisioning some of the same things I am - or maybe you’re not. It’s not necessary that our concerns fall in the same place for the same reasons. Our feelings can still align.

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Is “care” a bad four-letter word?

Frustration and anger often have their roots in caring. If I’m going to invest myself in something, it’s usually because I do care. But once I put some effort into that person/place/event/thing, I risk disappointment when I find out that my work might not reap the rewards I was hoping for.

This leads me to wonder if caring isn’t a good thing. Maybe I would be happier and, perhaps, healthier, if I adopted an attitude that there isn’t much that actually matters. Perhaps if I didn’t care, I wouldn’t put myself in a position to be hurt when things go wrong or people stand in opposition to what I think I want. I would certainly have much more time on my hands if I didn’t let myself care.

The question in that case is - what would I do with that time? It probably wouldn’t matter because I wouldn’t really care. I guess?

I know some people who actively embrace a “who cares, I don’t” attitude. And if my observations are accurate, I don’t think they’re any happier than I am. And it doesn’t seem as if they experience negative emotions any less. So, either they aren’t really very good at this “not caring” thing or maybe “care” isn’t exactly a bad four-letter word.

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Murphy tries to decide if she cares that the farmer’s foot is in her way

Confrontation because we care differently

How many times have you found yourself in the uncomfortable and difficult situation where you are in conflict with others and you come to realize that the reason you are being unpleasant with each other is because you both care? When people disagree about something, it often comes from a place of caring. And that is where I cling to hope. Hope that people can listen to each other, even when we disagree, and we can work to find better ways to be.

Consider organizations you are currently active in or groups where you once participated frequently. Simply being a member implies that you care, at least a little, about the group, or individual members, or the thing that group is organized around. But, because it’s a group, there will be diversity of opinion. And those disagreements can escalate quickly because members do care.

To give you an example, Tammy and I used to play open recreational volleyball at a couple of our prior places of residence. Participants brought with them a range of skill and athletic abilities. Everyone came with the same goal - to enjoy playing the game. But not everyone agreed with how we should go about doing it.

There was always a source of tension surrounding the level of play. The very best players wanted to play as competitively as possible and found that they enjoyed it less when those with a much lower level of play joined them. Some of the people who didn’t play as well were also less happy if they were forced to play in the high-level game. And, the people in the middle? Well someone typically had to join a group other than the one they ideally wanted to be in.

Most of us cared that everyone got the best experience possible and that everyone should feel welcome to participate. All of us cared that we, personally, had a chance to play a game we liked.

And that’s why I can recall several instances where people were very unhappy with how things shook out. Sometimes there was yelling. Sometimes there were abrupt departures. Sometimes there was even crying. Often there were debriefing discussions with sympathetic partners to try to express our feelings of discontent for how things were.

Because we cared.

Imagine if it were something that had a bit more consequence than a weekly, voluntary activity in a small community gymnasium.

I am sure there would be yelling, abrupt departures, harsh words, crying, pouting, cajoling and whatever else. And yes, partners would have to help each other process events afterwards.

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Is “care” a bad four-letter word?

Is it possible that, when we care too much, we become tempted to allow passion to have the upper hand? We stop listening and we start yelling. We entrench ourselves into what we think we already know and set ourselves up for more disagreement.

Then suddenly - or perhaps it is gradually - we care more about the argument we are making than the thing we initially cared about that led to the discussion in the first place. That’s when we need to step back and ask ourselves once again:

What made us care in the first place?

“Care” is not a bad four-letter word. But, the way we allow ourselves to act in the name of caring can certainly lead to many other four-letter words that are frowned upon in pleasant conversation. The next time I find myself in a disagreement and I notice that temperatures are rising, I hope I remind myself that how I care might be just as important as the fact that I DO care.

Thank you for taking some time to consider my words. I hope you have a fine remainder of your day. It is my wish that you can enjoy and appreciate things in your life that you care about and that you can find ways to navigate your way with people who also care - but differently than you do.